I understand that life happens to everyone. Most days I am fine being part of the “nothing” that is life. I want no special treatment or people to feel sorry for my Cadillac problems. Today I am grateful for many people and opportunities that are in my life.
But…there are moments when I can feel my head collapsing inward, and my vision becomes narrowed and selfish. I have a beautiful family and a great many friends. I consider myself to be a lucky and blessed person. I get that the responsibilities we have as adults are what partly define the kind of friends, or parents, even human beings we become. But holy shitballs! That shit just sucks sometimes, plain and simple it blows. That’s the greatest equalizer though, if it was all peaches and cream no one would be fucking happy. I have to experience life on life’s terms in order to appreciate these treasures in my life. In the moment when my wife is too tired and acting short towards me because she was working until 3:00 in the morning I don’t think about it, all I can think about is me, myself and I.
That’s not who I want to be as a husband. She’s doing what she needs to do for our family. After another shockingly bad week at work the last thing I want to do is be patient, kind, and tolerate to anyone! That impending chaos inside of my head wants to run buck wild and allow me to feel sorry for myself. I hate being an adult sometimes. What’s worse is when I know that this is that part of life’s terms that I have no control over. Today I am powerless over all of that other shit outside of myself. My ego will run gonzo if I let it and shout out all of the perceived wrongs that are being shot at me. Not today, as a good friend likes to tell me. Not today.
There are a great many things I am powerless over, any only myself to manage. That’s probably the worst part of being an adult, knowing what I am responsible for today and following through with my end of the deal. Some days that’s no big whoop, other days it’s the most baffling ordeal to just keep it together. I’m working on it, one day at a time. It’s worth it though, just makes those good days so much more enjoyable.